Benign Indifference

What do I do with this place? This ‘space’ as people like to say these days, although it is but a ‘zero’ and a ‘one’ on and on…endlessly…is an experiment.

I believe that I need to have a place to go each day that brings with it the illusion that I might be contributing to our society of spectacle. I am reaching out. Through the act of putting down my words I will in my own way join the throng.

My contribution is self expression. Listening to myself out loud, editing what I say, bringing some clarity to my thoughts on the ‘page’ is an act of self care. I have the notion that what I write may have some resonance for others. Although I currently have no plans to advertise this writing beyond simple postings I also hope that what I write will be read by other people or else what is the point.

I limit myself by writing in public and also hiding, aware as I am of the need to reach out if i am to be heard or read. I believe that I may be afraid of being rejected and criticised and that I will not be able to respond, to meet the slings and the arrows as well the love that might accompany contact with the world through this medium. Perhaps I will grow in my confidence and expand my contact as I get used to this process. I will see and reflect upon this as my experiment progresses.

I wonder if the ‘need to contribute’ has something to do with my protestant work ethic. To be a good little [Thomas the Tank] engine. Perhaps my ‘need to contribute’ is in order that I might feel more important where I generally don’t, or at least not in the sense I should like to be known. To be ‘known’ is the thing I think, if I am to admit that this web log is an act of boastfulness. And I find it hard to admit this. Attempts were made to breed ‘boasting’ out of me from early introjections. “Stop showing off! Bad boys show off!” Where better to reject that philosophy than here, in this place.