Benign Indifference

“Cramp in my calf and I know the reason why. All drawing in and no relaxation makes Jack a taut boy.”

“This sensation reminds me of sitting in the other chair (#gestalttherapy) and saying to myself ‘you don’t have to be perfect for people to like you’. The other side, letting go”.

“Muscles need tension, but tension alone won’t provide energy to go forward and explore. Allowing my muscles to relax, allowing me to relax and do nothing is not the default setting for me. Mine is to be on the mark, set, ready for the off, believing my introjected rule that I must always be fully alert, be fully ‘there’, to enable my own protection and progress, to be full”.

Written a few years ago now, I reflect on how the language I use indicates the way I dissociate myself. What am I scared of, I wonder? I continue, though, to show some self-care.

“To be full I must also be empty and now I begin to feel a shift in my bodily sensation. Muscles hold me in this position to write, sit at the table, on this chair and a core relaxing, an easier breath”.

“I am learning to exhale, for an easier breath, inspired by my son’s digital detox. And I notice how quickly I am drawn to order and organization again”.

I have been thinking of having a tattoo to remind me to breathe out.